Ever find yourself needing a quick pick-me-up during a long day? Laughter is the perfect antidote to stress and boredom. This collection of 11 jokes is sure to deliver a healthy dose of humor.
Get ready to chuckle your way through these hilarious jokes about everything from bar buddies to blundering farmers. Whether you’re a fan of witty wordplay or quirky animal antics, there’s something here to tickle everyone’s funny bone.
A duck in a construction worker’s uniform waddling into a bar | Source: Midjourney
1. Drink Down
A guy walks into a bar and orders two shots. He drinks both and leaves. He does the same thing every day for a while.
One day, the bartender asks, “Why do you always order two shots?”
The guy says, “My brother and I used to drink together all the time, but now he lives far away. So, one shot is for me, and one is for him.”
Two brothers laughing while sitting at a bar | Source: Midjourney
This goes on for a while, and then one day the guy only orders one shot.
The bartender worries and asks, “What happened? Is your brother okay?”
The guy replies, “Yeah, he’s fine. I just quit drinking.”
Man looking sad while sitting at a bar | Source: Midjourney
2. Penguin Parade
A police officer stopped a semi-truck driver and asked for his license and registration. The officer heard odd sounds from the trailer and decided to inspect it. He found 50 penguins inside.
“Why are there 50 penguins in your truck?” the officer asked.
“They’re my buddies,” the driver replied. “We enjoy traveling together.”
“You can’t just own 50 penguins,” the officer said. “You need to take them to the zoo.”
Police officer frowning next to a semi-truck holding a notepad | Source: Midjourney
The driver agreed and drove away. The next day, the same officer stopped the same truck and heard the same strange noises. He checked the trailer and found the same 50 penguins.
“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer exclaimed.
“I did!” the driver responded. “They had a great time. Today, we’re going to the beach.”
Penguins walking through a regular sunny beach | Source: Midjourney
3. The Plasterer
A duck waddled into a pub and asked for a beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender stared and said, “Hold on a sec! You’re a duck!”
“That’s pretty obvious,” the duck replied.
“And you talk!” shouted the bartender.
“And you hear well!” the duck said. “Now, about that beer and sandwich?”
A duck in a construction worker’s uniform sitting at a bar eating a sandwich | Source: Midjourney
“Oh, right, sorry,” the bartender said, pouring the duck’s beer. “We don’t get many ducks around here. What brings you in?”
“I’m working at that construction site over there,” the duck explained. “I’m a plasterer.”
The bartender was surprised, but let the duck be when he pulled out a newspaper to read.
The duck read the paper, ate his food, and left. He did this every day for two weeks.
A duck sitting at a bar reading a newspaper | Source: Midjourney
Then, the circus came to town. The circus manager came into the pub, and the bartender said, “Hey, you’re with the circus, right? I know a duck who’d be a star in your show! He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the paper… he’s amazing!”
“Is that right?” the circus manager said, handing the bartender his card. “Tell him to give me a call.”
The next day, when the duck came in, the bartender said, “Hey Mr. Duck, I think I found you a fantastic job that pays really well.”
“I’m always interested in new opportunities,” the duck said. “Where is it?”
“At the circus,” the bartender answered.
A circus in a field | Source: Midjourney
“The circus?” the duck asked.
“Yep,” said the bartender.
“The circus?” the duck asked again. “The one with the big tent?”
“Exactly!” said the bartender.
“With the animals in cages and people living in trailers?” asked the duck.
“That’s the one,” said the bartender.
“And the tent is made of that heavy fabric with a hole at the top?” the duck asked.
“That’s right!” said the bartender.
The duck shook his head and said, “Why would they need a plasterer?”
A duck in a construction worker’s uniform working as a plasterer | Source: Midjourney
4. Slowpoke Centipede
A man saw a sign at a pet store that said, “Talking Centipede $100.” He thought it was cool and bought it. When he got home, he opened the box and asked the centipede if it wanted to grab a beer. The centipede didn’t say anything, so the man thought he got ripped off.
After a while, he tried again. He shouted, “Want to go get a beer?” The centipede popped out of the box and said, “Be quiet! I heard you the first time! I’m putting my shoes on!”
A fairytale version of a centipede talking and putting on shoes inside a box | Source: Midjourney
5. Hell’s Handyman
An engineer died and went to Hell.
The devil was shocked because engineers don’t usually go there. Hell was a mess: the AC was busted, the pool was empty, and everything was broken.
The engineer got to work fixing things. He fixed the AC, filled the pool, and even made the roads better.
God saw that everyone in Hell was having fun, which wasn’t right. He asked the devil what was going on.
A cartoon version of God in Hell looking confused because people are having fun at the pool | Source: Midjourney
The devil said, “That engineer you sent here has been fixing everything. He’s made Hell a nice place!”
God said, “What? Engineers don’t belong in Hell! That was a mistake. Send him back so I can put him in Heaven!”
The devil said, “No way, we like him here.”
God said, “Send him back, or I’ll sue you!”
The devil laughed and said, “Where are you going to find a lawyer?”
A cartoon version of the devil in Hell shrugging with people having fun at the pool | Source: Midjourney
6. The Big-Time Lawyer
Joe left his small town to go to college and law school. He became a lawyer and went back to his hometown because he wanted to be a big deal there.
He opened his own office, but no one came at first. One day, he saw a man walking toward his office. Joe wanted to impress this man, so he pretended to be on the phone.
A man sitting on a desk in a tiny office talking on the phone | Source: Midjourney
When the man walked in, Joe started talking loudly on the phone, saying things like, “No way! Tell those guys in New York I want $1 million! I’m going to court next week! My team is the best! We’re going to win for sure! Yeah, the judge already knows I’m right! No, I don’t care what they offer, we’re not backing down!”
He talked like this for a long time while the man waited. Finally, Joe hung up the phone and said to the man, “Sorry I took so long, I’m really busy. What can I do for you?”
The man answered, “I’m here to install your phone line.”
Man in uniform standing by the doorway of an office | Source: Midjourney
7. Chick Magnet
A man from the city moved to the countryside and wanted to try farming. He went to the farm store and said, “I’ll take 100 baby chicks.”
The store worker gave him the chicks.
A week later, the man came back and said, “I need 200 baby chicks this time.” The worker gave him the chicks.
Another week passed, and the man returned. He said, “Give me 500 baby chicks.”
“Wow,” the worker said, “you must be doing great!”
A man dressed as a farmer smiling with small chicks nearby | Source: Midjourney
“Nope,” the man sighed. “I’m either putting them in the ground too deep or too far apart.”
8. Bachelors
Two single guys were chatting, and they started talking about cooking.
“I got a cookbook last year,” the first guy said, “but I couldn’t make anything from it.”
“Was it too hard?” the second guy asked.
“Totally! Every recipe started the same way: ‘Get a clean plate and…'”
A man holding a cookbook in a kitchen with a sink full of dirty plates | Source: Midjourney
9. Copy That?
A new worker was puzzled by the office shredder.
“Want some help?” offered a nearby secretary.
“Yes,” he said, “how do I use this?”
“Easy,” she replied, taking his thick report and putting it in the shredder.
“Thanks,” he smiled, “but what side do the copies come out?”
Man shrugging confused next to a paper shredder in an office hallway | Source: Midjourney
10. Whoa, Amen!
A man got lost in the desert. After wandering for weeks, he found a small house. He was tired and weak, so he crawled to the house and fainted.
The owner of the house, a kind and religious man, found him and helped him get better. When the man felt stronger, he asked for directions to the nearest town.
As he was leaving, he saw a horse. He asked the owner if he could borrow it. The owner agreed but said, “To make the horse go, say ‘Thank God.’ To make it stop, say ‘Amen.'”
A horse drinking water from a puddle next to a small house in a deserted area | Source: Midjourney
The man didn’t really listen and said, “Okay, sure.” He got on the horse and said, “Thank God,” and the horse started walking. He said, “Thank God, thank God,” and the horse started running. Feeling brave, the man shouted, “Thank God, thank God, thank God!” and the horse went even faster.
Suddenly, he saw a cliff ahead. He tried to stop the horse, yelling, “Whoa, stop!” Then he remembered, “Amen!”
The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. The man took a deep breath and said, “Thank God.”
Man looking scared riding a horse | Source: Midjourney
11. Nutty Natter
A man went into a bar and ordered a beer. As he was drinking, he heard a voice say, “Nice tie!” He looked around, but he and the bartender were the only ones there. Then the voice said, “I like your shirt!” Confused, the man called the bartender over.
“Am I losing it?” he asked. “I keep hearing voices telling me nice things, but no one else is here.”
“It’s the peanuts,” the bartender answered.
“What?” the man asked.
“The peanuts,” the bartender said again. “They’re complimentary.”
Peanuts in a smiley face bowl on a bar counter | Source: Midjourney
Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones: The Untold Story of Their Family and Kids
Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones have been through a lot together. They’ve lived in both the US and Bermuda with their children, Dylan Douglas and Carys Zeta-Douglas, and have experienced many changes along the way.
Now, Dylan is an adult. At 20 years old, he has chosen his own path in life. Being the son of a famous Hollywood star, and the grandson of the legendary Kirk Douglas, brings a lot of pressure.
However, his parents made sure he had the best childhood possible, even moving away from Bermuda to support him.
Michael Douglas was born on September 25, 1944, in New Brunswick, New Jersey, to actor parents Diana and Kirk Douglas.
When Michael was six years old, his parents divorced, and he went to live with his mother. He only saw his father during holidays.
Growing up, Michael Douglas attended the Eaglebrook School in Massachusetts and later went to the elite Choate School.
Michael was introduced to the acting world at a young age. He spent summers with his father, Kirk, who was often shooting films. By his teenage years, Michael knew he wanted to be an actor and asked his father to help him find roles.
Kirk, however, didn’t think acting was right for his son because of the pressure and unpredictability of the industry. He didn’t want either of his sons in show business, but Michael couldn’t be stopped.
Michael Douglas decided to turn down studying at Yale University and instead moved to California.
“I grew up on the East Coast and was going to go to an Ivy League school, but at the last minute, I decided to be a hippie,” he explained. “There were protest movements about the war and peace movements at our university. It was a fantastic time.”
While studying at the University of California, Santa Barbara, he kept asking his father, Kirk, for help to get into the movie industry. In 1966, he landed his first role.
### Start of Acting Career
Michael Douglas made his debut in *Cast a Giant Shadow*, where his father also starred. He played an uncredited driver in the film.
“I was lucky to grow up watching how my father acted, along with stars like Tony Curtis, Burt Lancaster, and Frank Sinatra, who were often at our house,” Michael said on *The Talk*. “You see stars with their insecurities and how they behave, so I think that’s kept me grounded.”
Michael Douglas graduated with a bachelor’s degree in 1968 and decided to move back to the East Coast. This time, he settled in New York City, where he continued to pursue his career in film.
Michael Douglas studied at the American Place Theatre and later at the Neighborhood Playhouse. He landed some leading roles and spent time performing in off-Broadway productions.
### Academy Award Winner
Before his first film role, Michael Douglas had a small part in the television show *The F.B.I.* The producer, Quinn Martin, was impressed with him, and Douglas then got a role in the new police series *The Streets of San Francisco*. The show premiered in 1972 and became Douglas’s big breakthrough.
*The Streets of San Francisco* became one of ABC’s highest-rated programs in the mid-1970s, airing during prime time. Michael Douglas received three consecutive Emmy Award nominations for his performance. He also directed two episodes of the series, gaining experience in directing, which he would use later.
In 1975, Michael produced the classic film *One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest*, which helped establish him as a top producer. The film won several Academy Awards, and Douglas himself won an Academy Award for Best Picture.
By this time, Douglas was a successful producer and director, and everyone wanted to work with him. He produced and starred in *The China Syndrome* (1979) alongside Jane Fonda. The movie received more Academy Award nominations and was named one of the best films of the year by the National Board of Review.
Michael Douglas went on to become a major Hollywood star with his performances as Gordon Gecko in *Wall Street* (1987), in *Falling Down* (1993), and *The Game* (1997).
### Michael Douglas – Catherine Zeta-Jones
During this time, he met his love, Catherine Zeta-Jones. Even before they met, he admired her talent.
“I was watching this movie and thought, ‘Wow, who is this girl? She’s incredible,’” Douglas remembered. He was watching a screening of her upcoming movie *The Mask of Zorro* at that moment.
The two stars met in 1996 at the Deauville Film Festival.
“I had been told Michael Douglas wanted to meet me,” Zeta-Jones said in a 2001 interview with Larry King. “I was a little nervous because I didn’t quite know what he wanted to meet me about.”
Michael Douglas knew right away that he had just met the love of his life.
However, Michael Douglas worried he had ruined any chance of a future with Catherine during their first meeting.
“I said to her after about half an hour, ‘You know, I’m going to be the father of your children,’” Douglas recalled on *The Jonathan Ross Show*, as quoted by E! News. “It sounded good, but she said, ‘You know, I’ve heard a lot about you and I’ve seen a lot about you, and I think it’s time I say goodnight.’”
### Married in 1999
Douglas and Zeta-Jones kept talking on the phone for about nine months and continued to enjoy dinners together. They eventually wondered why they weren’t officially together, so they decided to sit down and discuss it.
“He certainly didn’t want me as an ex-girlfriend on his list, and I certainly didn’t want ‘Michael Douglas’ as an ex-boyfriend on my list,” she said. “We looked at each other one day and said, ‘We’re having a lot of fun together.’”
Their romance blossomed. Despite the 25-year age difference, which attracted media attention, they didn’t care because their love was strong. On New Year’s Eve in 1999, Michael Douglas proposed to Catherine at his home in Aspen, Colorado.
“Both of us were sick as dogs because we had the flu,” Douglas recalled in 2016. Later that year, they got married.
“I don’t take any of this for granted,” Zeta-Jones told *People* during their wedding. “When I look at Michael, I run around like a little girl. I can’t believe I came into his life and he came into mine.”
### Dylan Douglas
Just months after their engagement, there were rumors that the couple was expecting a child. In August 2000, Dylan Douglas was born. He was Catherine Zeta-Jones’s first child and Michael Douglas’s second; his first son, Cameron, was born in 1978 to his former wife, Diandra Luker.
Catherine and Michael welcomed their second child, a daughter named Carys Zeta-Douglas, in 2003. Like any marriage, they faced ups and downs, but their love always prevailed.
Now, their children are all grown up, and Dylan Douglas has chosen a very different career from that of his parents. He seems to be quite the daredevil.
Dylan Douglas is now 20 years old and has already lived in several places.
### Dylan Douglas – Childhood
As a young child, Dylan and his family lived in Bermuda. Michael Douglas has strong ties to the islands because his mother is from there, and he spent many teenage summers there.
In 2001, when Dylan was just one year old, Michael and Catherine decided to move the family to Bermuda. Being two major celebrities, they believed it would be better for their children to grow up away from the spotlight, which can often be toxic.
Douglas and Zeta-Jones, who were living in New York City at the time, wanted their kids to have a safe and calm upbringing without the hassle of paparazzi.
In Bermuda, they felt people respected their privacy.
“Bermuda creates an environment for us away from the entertainment business and gives our kids independence and freedom where showbiz isn’t on everybody’s lips,” Douglas said, as quoted by the *Bermuda Sun*. “It’s a lovely, lovely place.”
However, the family only stayed on the island for eight years because Dylan was diagnosed with dyslexia.
### Dylan Douglas – Dyslexia
Dylan didn’t start reading until he was five years old. His parents, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, decided it was best for him to attend a special school in New York. So, the Douglas family left Bermuda, and Dylan finally got the chance to show everyone what a great kid he was. He enrolled at the Windward School, which specializes in helping children with dyslexia.
Those years were very challenging for the Douglas family. Not only was Dylan’s half-brother Cameron sentenced to five years in prison, but Michael Douglas also found out that he had stage 4 tongue cancer. He went through chemotherapy and radiation therapy while Dylan was adjusting to his new school.
In the end, Michael Douglas successfully overcame his cancer treatment, and Dylan went on to enjoy school. During an emotional speech at a Windward School fundraiser, Dylan honored the school that helped him overcome his dyslexia and also talked about how his father’s cancer had affected his life.
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